Christmas

We had a low-key Christmas this year. Very different from last year's cancer drama. Very nice that it was different. We spent Christmas eve day around the house. I baked 4 different kinds of cookies. The kids bounced off the walls with excitement.

The day went quick and then it was time to head to church. Dan was running the sound board for the Christmas eve service and I was singing a solo so we had to be there early
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Our Christmas eve service is always so beautiful. I love singing the traditional Christmas carols and lighting the candles at the end as we all sing Silent Night.

We headed home with the children and had fondue for our Christmas eve meal. We let the kids open one present and then we watched a Christmas movie.

We sent the kiddos to bed and Dan and I stayed up late. I made homemade cinnamon rolls and we stuffed the stockings.

Someone woke us up around 8 and we all piled downstairs to open gifts. We opened our stockings at the end. We played with all the new stuff and ate a Christmas day meal of herb and garlic crusted pork roast, double cheddar holiday biscuits and scalloped russet and sweet potatoes. (recipes in December 2011 issue of Better Homes and Gardens.)

I find myself, today, feeling a bit melancholy. Christmastime is my favorite time of the year as I often remind my children and husband. When it's over it takes me awhile to adjust to the fact that it has come and gone and I will have to wait another year for the wonder and excitement of it all.

The gift given to us by our heavenly Father in the form of his son come to earth as a tiny babe is not just a one day celebration. I do wish to carry the spirit of Christmas with me all year through. I'm wishing the same for you.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Bless Us All

I love Christmas movies. One of my favorites happens to be The Muppets Christmas Carol. I just watched it this morning. It is, in my opinion, one of the best renditions of A Christmas Carol. It's funny and sweet and Michael Cain's performance as Ebenezer Scrooge is excellent.

One of the scenes I love is when Tiny Tim sings a song called Bless Us All. I love the words to it. Here they are.

Bless Us All


Life is full of sweet surprises
Everyday's a gift
The sun comes up and I can feel it lift my spirit
Fills me up with laughter, fills me up with song
I look into the eyes of love and know that I belong

Bless us all, who gather here
The loving family I hold dear
No place on earth, compares with home
And every path will bring me back from where I roam
Bless us all, that as we live
We always comfort and forgive
We have so much, that we can share
With those in need we see around us everywhere
 
Let us always love each other 
Lead us to the light
Let us hear the voice of reason, singing in the night
Let us run from anger and catch us when we fall
Teach us in our dreams and please, yes please
Bless us one and all 

Bless us all with playful years 
With noisy games and joyful tears
We reach for you and we stand tall 
And in our prayers and dreams
We ask you bless us all

We reach for you and we stand tall 
And in our prayers and dreams we ask you 
Bless us all

The Struggle For Today

One by one, my children tiptoe into my room and pile into my big bed in the soft, gray morning light. We pull the warm, down cover up to our chins and giggle. Shelby tells a story that she's made up to the other three. Boots jumps up on the bed and walks around the bed looking like a regal prince. We bask in the quiet, together time.

I'm glad the children have come in this morning. My head is filled with thoughts of my own mortality. I have had a gruesome dream while I sleep and maybe that has set my thoughts in this direction.

My body aches terribly with each waking. My ribs have been hurting and my doctor assures me that it's just the Herceptin speaking in my body. My mind goes with it and I think of stage 4 cancer and it running rampant through my body. I see my funeral and my beloved man. He and and I are no longer two halves but one whole. To take one away is unthinkable. I feel my children's pain. I think about them living without a mother's direction. I think about all the milestones in their lives that I will miss and I am overcome with emotions and I weep.

Then, God's word penetrates the fog of despair that has settled in my mind. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says that "we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I know that I must get control of my thoughts. Proverbs 16:9 tells me that, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the lord determines his steps".  Be strong and courageous. God's word tells me, "Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the lord your God will be with you wherever you go". Joshua 1:9

I will work the rest of the day getting my thoughts in order. I need to spend quiet time in His word and tell Him of my fears. I know I can trust my Father. His plan for my life, whatever that is, is good enough for me.

***Update***
In my Bible reading today I came across some powerful verses and had a devotional that spoke directly to me. I know that choosing to think thoughts of life, thankfulness and praise is what He wants from me. I choose today to live by faith.


A happy heart is good medicine and a cheerful mind works healing, but a broken spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22


The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 6:8


Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. Psalms 63:3-5


We live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

Spaghetti Casserole and Other Stuff

The snow is gently falling outside my windows as I type this and all I can think about is, "It's about time!". We haven't had any measurable snow as of yet this season and I'm missing it.

So, the pace around here has been ramped up. Christmastime brings such a flurry of activity, doesn't it?

On Tuesday, after doing school with the children, helping them all practice piano, 80 loads of laundry (exaggerated only slightly), cooking breakfast and lunch, attempting to leave the house early for a Christmas party I had that evening so I could run some errands, and what seemed like a gazillion other things, I get a call from a friend who tells me that I signed up to bring a meal to church that night. Big Sigh.

Our church is part of an inter-faith hospitality network which houses homeless people for a week, four times a year. I love helping with this event and having our children involved. It's so easy for us to be comfortable and forget those who are not so fortunate as us.

So, I'm thinking to myself that I really don't have time to add another thing to my plate. How could I have signed up for this and not entered it into my calendar on my phone which is really my brain. Without it, I don't even remember where I live. :) I get off the phone and I'm racking my brain to come up with something easy, tasty and kid friendly. It's going to be one family of five and a mother and daughter plus the hosts for the evening and my family that I need to feed.

My phone rings again and it's my friend who is also the children's piano teacher. She is asking if I would mind postponing the piano lessons until the next day. I am excited that I can cross one item off my list for the rest of the afternoon. I explain to her that it works well for us to postpone and then I tell her why. She says she has this great recipe for a spaghetti casserole (up here in Minnesota, they call it a hot dish) that I should try.

I whipped up two casseroles, bought a loaf of french bread, a bag of salad, a gallon of milk and ice cream bars and the meal was good to go.

Wow, I said all of that to say this. This is an excellent casserole! Here's the recipe. Hope you enjoy.

Spaghetti Bake
1 1/2 lbs. ground beef cooked - I seasoned mine with Italian seasoning and salt and pepper
1/2 diced onion into the ground beef while it's cooking
1 1b of spaghetti noodles - cooked
1 cup milk
1 egg
1 can of spaghetti sauce - I used Hunt's Meat Sauce this time
mozzarella cheese
Parmesan cheese
Pepperoni

• Put cooked noodles in bottom of 9x13 pan. 
• Mix milk and egg together and pour over noodles. 
• Put a layer of mozzarella cheese over the noodles. 
• Ground beef next. 
• Pour can of spaghetti sauce over that.
• Another layer of mozzarella
• top with diced up pepperoni pieces

Pop into the oven for 30 - 40 minutes at 350 degrees.

Boob Shopping

Dan and I went to the cities on Friday to visit with two plastic surgeons. We left the house at 5:45 in the morning because our first appointment was at 8 a.m. I am filling out paper work en route so that I will have it finished when we get there. One question on the form is, "Why are you visiting us today?". Dan and I are laughing and talking about it and I decide to write "boob shopping" on the form.

The first surgeon is a handsome man. I guess one should think twice about hiring an ugly plastic surgeon. :) When he walks into the room with my paperwork he says to me, "I have never had anyone put that reason on this form". We all have a good laugh about it.

Anyway, the surgeon did a great job explaining the different procedures and options available to me. He had a paper with a little diagram on it so he could explain in more detail.

Some of you may not know this about my big guy - he can gut an elk or deer without blinking an eye but he's very squeamish when it comes to talk about blood, our bodies, surgeries, or anything of that nature.  When I had to have an emergency c-section to deliver the triplets, the anesthesiologist made it very clear to Dan that if he passed out in the delivery room that he would need to fall in a way that wouldn't interfere with the surgery because he didn't have time to deal with Dan if that is what happened.

On with the story. I'm listening intently to the surgeon when I hear Dan say, "Excuse me, I need to go to the restroom". He gets up to walk out of the room and I catch a glimpse of his profile and I can see that he is as pale as a ghost. The surgeon asks if Dan wants him to wait for him to come back before he continues with more details and Dan tells him to go on without him.

Later, Dan tells me that he goes into the hallway to splash some water on his face and walk up and down the corridor until he feels well enough to join me back in the room.

It really makes my heart go pitter-patter that my man knows that he's squeamish and that he hates surgery details but he goes in there with me anyway because he knows I need his support. I couldn't ask for a better person to be by my side through all this mess.

We visit another surgeon who looks a little like a mad scientist. He has completely different ideas about reconstructive surgery.

We stop by the Mall of America and hit Cabela's on our way out of town.

I sigh a big sigh of relief. I have gotten my three opinions. Another check mark on my list of things to do.

Now, I just have to decide what route to take.

Done, Finito, Terminado

I finished my last treatment today. It was super busy today in ambulatory services. There were no dancers, streamers, or a live news report announcing that I finished chemo but it felt like there should have been.

I did come home to a house decorated by my beloved children. Streamers and a banner saying, Happy Last Herceptin". And balloons. I'm pretty sure they love me. :)

So that's it. This is the point I've been working toward all year.

God is good. Every day a sweet, sweet gift.

Bring it on.

I intend to embrace life with much relish!

We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul - not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy. Colossians 1:11 MSG

Thankfulness...

I just finished a turkey and cranberry sandwich and to say that I'm feeling good would be an understatement. I love the food of Thanksgiving. I love the fall and fall colors. I love the time spent with family. I love it all.

This year is much different than last. I went in for my biopsy on my breast the day before Thanksgiving last year. We were suppose to hear back from the doctor possibly the Friday after Thanksgiving or that Monday after the long weekend, at the latest.

We spent Thanksgiving with family at our house but I remember being pensive and troubled. I remember wrestling with the whole idea of cancer. I remember wondering if I was going to die. My thoughts bobbed around like a tiny boat on the waves of a ferocious sea. I know that I made a decision back then that I was going to either trust God completely or I would fall into the abyss of anger and blame. My post from a year ago reflects this struggle.

This Friday, I take my last round of Herceptin. It will mark a full year of treatment. What a path I have walked. I never, ever once thought that I would utter the word cancer and have it pertain to me.

 I cannot say the road was easy or fun. I am thinking about a line in a movie that says that life is made up of meetings and partings. Life is also made up of blessings and sorrows co mingled. We will always have both as long as our feet are here on Earth.

I choose to celebrate the blessings. God has blessed me in immeasurable ways and my heart overflows with love and thanksgiving.


Colossians 3:15
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.


Psalm 95:2
Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.


Colossians 4:2
Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.


Hebrews 12:28
Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire".


Psalm 69:30
I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.

Deer Camp

A few clues to tell you that it's deer hunting season around these parts:

• Blaze orange everywhere
• Da Yoopers are singing Second Week of Deer Camp on the radio
• Hunting widow sales at local stores
• You drive by the local restaurant and Bambi is dead on the roof of someone's Suburban

• Waking up to the sound of gunshots
• Trucks outnumber cars 2-1 
• The bar parking lots are full each evening
• Trucks and cars parked in the roadway ditches close to their hunting grounds
• More men in town than usual and all of them are wearing the above mentioned blaze orange
• Lots of hunting widows in church on Sunday

Dan shot a doe last Saturday. He's not used to the way hunting is done around here. In Colorado he elk hunted with his brothers-in-law every year and there wasn't much sitting around except in the evenings while eating supper. They would walk and walk in the mountains looking for the elk herds.

Here hunting for white tail deer is done in a deer stand. Lots of sitting and waiting and getting cold because of the sitting and waiting. Dan sat in a chair 15 -20 ft off the ground up a tree. He said sitting up there swaying in the breeze is a bit strange. I read in the paper the other day that a man died because he fell out of his stand and his gun accidentally discharged. I guess there is a safety strap that goes around you while your up the tree and he must have forgotten to use his. 

Some of the deer stands are plush. Heated and more. I remember a friend telling me that her husband's deer stand was behind their house and she could see him out there when he was hunting. She said that sometimes he was upright and other times he was not visible because he was napping. Apparently, he had a couch in his. It was his man cave on stilts. :)

Shelby and I may give it a try next season. Maybe we can find one of those heated deer stands to hunt out of. We could bring our scrap booking and card making stuff, and our iPods so we could listen to music. We could bond over hot cocoa and talk about all kinds of things. Scratch that, we will leave the hunting to the boys and just go on a girls weekend sometime!

The Blue Towels and My Power Port

When I go to get chemo, or to give blood, or anytime they access my port, the nurses come to my chair with all their tools - needles, a can of skin numbing spray, saline, and anything they might need while poking a hole in me. One of the items they bring is two, blue towels wrapped together in plastic wrap. They unwrap the two, blue towels and lay one across my shoulder before they insert the needle into my port. When they are done accessing my port, they give me the two, blue towels to take home.

Pretty much everything they use these days is disposable because the cost and risk of sterilizing tools is prohibitive. I'm guessing they can't use one towel on me and another on a different person because of sterilization rules and the risk of passing on some icky flesh eating virus or some such nastiness that lurks in the hospitals these days.

I take the blue towels home because I think it would be wasteful for them to be thrown away. Also, they make awesome dusting rags and garage towels. I have about 800 of them now. I may be giving them out as Christmas presents this year.

I was just thinking that some of you might not know what a port is. I did blog about it awhile ago. The picture below shows what my port looks like. The center circle is what the nurses stick the needle into. This dude was surgically implanted under my skin on my left upper torso just below my collar bone and sutured to a vein. The port makes getting intravenous medicine a snap. Veins accessed by an iv eventually give out after so much use. The port is much safer with the chemo drugs that were given to me, some of which can eat away skin and muscle if a vein happens to collapse.

I just found out that my port will stay in another year. The year following cancer treatment has the highest chance of recurrences so leaving it in makes sense. I will go in once a month to have it flushed with saline so that it won't get a blockage in it. Then, after a year, I will have it surgically removed.

I am so thankful for my port.

My port is higher and on the left.

My Dream

I can feel a tugging at my breast and my baby is there, nestled in the crook of my arm, suckling the nourishing milk that my body has made. It is night time and the babe is warm and sleepy in my arms. I am sitting in my favorite rocking chair. I see her head of thick, brown hair move a bit as she greedily drinks. Her chubby, little hand rests on my bosom. Nursing brings a sense of well being that calms my whole body. I'm amazed at this beautiful child in my arms. I feel so blessed to be able to sustain my little one in this way.

After she has had her fill, she slumbers. I feel myself begin to drift off to sleep.

I awake. I am sitting upright in my bed. I hear my husband's gentle breathing beside me. My hands fly to my chest. They are gone. It was just a dream. My breasts are gone.

Let It Snow, Please

It snowed last night for the first time this fall. If you are one of those strange people that despise winter and snow then you might want to stop reading here. Our family loves ALL the seasons and we adore winter.

 I guess I should clarify and say that we adore winter where it snows all winter long and the snow stays on the ground. I'm not sure why people prefer brown winters to white winters but there are a few of you out there. You know who you are, Grandpa Brown.

 Then, there are those who wish they could live somewhere tropical all year long. God bless you all. There seems to be a bunch of you. Everywhere we go, we run into weather whiners and complainers. My goodness, life is too short to live somewhere where you hate the weather. Can I suggest a move for you might be in order? Ha ha.

We were at the grocery store the other day and ran into two people who were just like us. It's rather rare so we had a snow dance right in the middle of the store. We were all anxiously awaiting the first snow.

I am waiting for a good, old fashioned, Minnesota winter. One with LOTS of snow. I pray every year. I know He hears me and one of these winters we will get pounded.

Don't get me wrong, we get snow and, usually, a foot or so stays on the ground most of the winter. I just want some of those huge storms that dump more than a foot at a time. And a lot of them in one season.

My dad says that one day I will outgrow this and I will not like winter anymore. I'm 42 and it hasn't happened yet. One of my aunts loved winter until she departed this earth. I want to be like one of the older ladies in our church that still cross country skied into her early eighties. Guess, I should learn how to cross-country ski now, huh. She also taught me how to make gorgeous ice candles. I had never heard of them before.

Ice candles on my porch last year.









Where I lived and grew up in Colorado we got our share of snow. We also got the big snow storms. But the snow would melt off and it could be 60 the next day. You never know how to dress. And when the white snow melts, there is brown everywhere.

When it started snowing last night, the kids went out into the driveway and danced around trying to catch snowflakes on their tongues. Snowflakes are rather elusive. :) Dan and I stood there and watched them.

This morning, I fixed a big breakfast of sausage, homemade biscuits, and eggs. We turned on the fireplace and cranked up the Christmas music. The kids got out all the Christmas catalogs that we've been getting in the mail. I remember pouring over the Sears Toy Catalog as a child. Making my Christmas list and checking it twice.

The cold and snow (it's stopped now and no accumulation - darn it!) makes it feel so cozy inside. Hoping you are cozy and blessed today. Unless you are in Florida or somewhere warm and then I'm hoping your feeling cool and blessed. :)

Where Oh, Where is my Hairbrush...

If you have ever watched a Veggie Tale, you will probably know the song I've referenced in my title. Larry, the cucumber, has lost his hairbrush and he's looking for it. The only problem is that he doesn't have any hair.

I haven't needed my hairbrush in a long time. Our shampoo bottle has lasted forever. But... I HAVE SOME HAIR NOW. It is growing quite well. I now have bed head in the morning and if I don't wet my hair down and style it with some sort of product, it looks terrible. I'm grateful for the head covering as winter is quickly approaching. Although, getting up and going without having to worry about my hair has been pretty nice.

I have to say that not having hair screws with your "womanly" identity. I've grown used to it but it was difficult in the beginning. It might not have been so hard if it had just been the hair but coupled with the loss of my breasts, it was a huge, double whammy. It was not just a loss of hair from head but from my whole body. If you are wondering if your hair "down there" goes too, why yes it does. A face is pretty non-descript without eyebrows and eyelashes.

I have had my share of looks from strangers. It bothers me about a nano second. I know one female cancer patient who actually had someone say to her, "WHY on earth would you choose to have your hair cut that short?". The ignorance of some people really floors me.

I thought I would put some pictures together from the beginning of this whole ordeal showing how my hair has changed. Why, it's been on a journey all it's own!

right after cancer diagnosis

shaving my head to get rid of itchy stubble

sleeping with a hat to stay warm

bandanas - I love em!

I wore lots of knitted hats also

my one and only wig that I liked

hair growing back and looking rather gray

my hair now - coming in thick again

Here Kitty, Kitty

After months of harassing their dad, the kids finally wore him down and he brought home a kitty a few weeks ago. So, we add a cat to the menagerie of animals that currently reside here. To convince their dad that they needed a kitten, they put all their stuffed animal cats on his side of our bed one evening. Then, they taped pictures of kittens on his steering wheel in his truck. Shelby changed his wallpaper on his phone to, you guessed it, a kitty. She also recorded a song on his phone about cats!

We were going to get a kitten from our local shelter. I stopped in there one day after we got home from Colorado to find no kittens and just a few cats. After a few dead ends, a flyer left on a car at Dan's work led us to our cat.

He's fitting into our family nicely. Samson is a bit jealous but he's very gentle with Boots. Boots loves to play with Samson's legs, attacking him while he's laying down. He just doesn't like it when Samson looks at him. No eye contact please. He spits and hisses and arches his back in the air. Like he could do anything if Samson decided to eat him.

We call him TT in the mornings. TT stands for Tiny Terrorist. He's very playful first thing and he attacks anything that moves. I hear the kids screams and laughter as he gets their toes from underneath their beds. I've forgotten how much fun it is to watch a kitten play.

Save the Tah Tahs Auction

This past week, I had the pleasure of modeling items for a breast cancer auction. I use the term modeling very loosely. It was kind of like being one of Bob Barker's Beauties on the Price is Right. Minus the beauty part. There were six breast cancer survivors that took turns showing the auction items to those bidding.

I was in the car on the way over to the auction when it registered that I had forgotten my boobs. I realized that they are like accessories now. Let's see... I've got my purse, my cell phone, a cute pair of earrings on, and oh yeah, better grab my tah tahs, too. Maybe I should put a sticky note on the back door that says, "Got Yer Boobs?".

Dan came with me (one of three men there) and three of my friends. There were decadent desserts, amazing appetizers, and so many cool, pink items. It was a fun time.

I thought I had some pictures but my photographer must have been snoozing on the job. The local paper was there and she was taking pics so if one makes the paper I will post it here later.

Plastic Surgery Here I Come

I was at the doctor's office yesterday morning for a post-radiation check up. My doctor was asking me about my plans for reconstruction. I regaled them with the tale of my first visit to a plastic surgeon's office that took place back in the spring. I think you will get a kick out of it, too.

I was going through chemotherapy at the time of my appointment. My surgeon wanted some information from the plastic surgeon so I went in to have a consultation about my breast reconstruction before my mastectomy.

I walked into the waiting room of the office and this place was plush. Large floral arrangements, beautiful furniture and paintings filled the space. Two nice looking receptionists sat behind desks.

I was called back to an exam room. I was told to take off all my clothes and put on a gown. The nurse walked in. On her shirt was a tag that said, "Ask me about my eyelashes". I looked up to her eyelashes and she had the biggest, longest eyelashes I've ever seen on a person. She looked like Bambi..the deer. I was surprised that she could even keep her eyes open. Her face was beautiful, no wrinkles on that forehead. Her lips were in a permanent pucker, very Angelina Jolie looking. A nice, straight nose topped off the whole deal. And she was tan. In the middle of winter in Minnesota.

So, here I am in all my glory. Bald...very plump...pasty skin and she asks me to take off my gown. I'm standing there butt naked in front of Barbie. She whips out a Polaroid and asks me to pose in several different positions. I bet she took at least thirty pictures. Of my bald, chunky monkey, naked, had 4 babies, body. I was thinking, "Sweet Jesus just take me now"!

It only gets better. In walks Ken... I mean my doctor. This man is gorgeous and tan and in a tailored, pinstriped suit with a purple tie. Let me remind you that I am still naked.. and rotund and feeling nasty. He asks me to turn around. Really, you need to see all the junk in my trunk???

After discussing my options for new boobs, I am allowed to get dressed again. I was so ready to get out of fairy tale land.

I've had one doctor's opinion and I need to get a few more. You can see why I'm not jumping for joy at the prospect of seeing another plastic surgeon. I know it was all necessary and I am super glad that we have plastic surgeons.

There are so many things about my cancer journey that I just have to laugh about. This is one of them.

Uhh, Mom, I Have Something To Tell You...

Macy just came to me and said, "Uhh, Mom, I have something to tell you." In my mind, I'm thinking, "Hmm, wonder what is about to come out of her mouth". I can never tell what is coming...

Macy says, "Awhile ago, I wanted to make you proud so I decided to clean Levi's toilet. I used the kitchen brush to clean his toilet and then I put it back in the sink and I didn't tell anyone about it until now"...

"Macy, how long ago was this?"
"Ummm, I think I was seven."

She doesn't really have a grip on the time thing so I continue with the questioning.

"Was it this year?"
"I can't remember."
"Was it yesterday?"
"No, it was awhile ago."

So here's where I'm not proud to say that I lose it a bit. I ask her how she could think it would be OK to take something from the sink that we clean dishes and water bottles with and use it to clean the toilet and then put it back without telling anyone. I tell her that we've all been drinking poo poo water out of our water bottles for how long?

She gets big tears in her eyes and I gather her close and tell her I'm sorry for yelling at her. I tell her there is nothing we can do about it now and that I'm grateful for her telling the truth. I tell her that years from now we will all look back on this and laugh hard (Actually, Shelby and I have laughed hard already).

I'm thinking to myself that I do put the brush in the dishwasher to sanitize it once in awhile and I buy a new one occasionally and throw the old one away. So, I have no idea how long we used the poo poo brush. We can't really do anything about it now, can we?

Real life. You just can't make this stuff up!

F is for Football

Levi has been playing football. They have a 3rd and 4th grade tackle football team here. Actually, they have four. Anyway, he's been playing for the past five weeks. His father is helping to coach the team. What fun it's been to watch the two of them.

If you know Dan very well, you know that he played football from a little boy up until he graduated from high school. He was an offensive lineman (all conference) and he planned on playing in college and, hopefully, in the NFL. He was being pursued by Nebraska Cornhuskers and had interest in Oklahoma also. I remember that Nebraska was sending him 40 reasons to come and play with them. He got a letter from them each week with a new reason. After having quite a few knee surgeries and having a hard time walking at age 18 he made the decision to quit football. Word got out about his knee surgeries and the scouts quit calling.

He still misses ball. I think every fall he wistfully watches the players out on the field and wonders, what if. Who knows...maybe he and I wouldn't have stayed together with him in another state for college. Only God knows.

Anyway, I digress. It's been super fun to have Levi play ball and I think Dan has enjoyed the coaching aspect. I always thought he would be good at that.


Levi's team has won every game that they have played. Here's me on the sidelines: "GET THEM, KILL THEM, MAKE 'EM PAY!". Then a bolt of reality hits and I remember that this is 3RD and 4TH grade football, not high school, college or the NFL. Simmer down woman! :)

His last football game is this Saturday. Here are some pictures. I thought I shot some video but can't find it so these will have to suffice.

The Clampetts Return

We are home from Colorado. We drove all day yesterday starting at 6:15 a.m. and ending at our doorstep at 12:08 a.m. God was so good to us.

I need to confess that the whole trip was about to be booted out the door due to finances and lack of money for such a trip. I wanted to leave Saturday afternoon after Levi's football game. Dan and I crunched the figures and we decided that the trip just wasn't feasible. I took a shower and cried out to God. I told him that I know he had everything under control and if he wanted me to go to Colorado, he would have to arrange it. I also told him how much I needed to just get away for awhile after completing almost all of my cancer treatment.

I was dreading calling my family to tell that that I wasn't coming. I called and one of them said not to count the trip out yet. She wired me some money and we were on our way Saturday afternoon. I was suppose to stop somewhere along the way to sleep for the night but I was so excited that I drove all night and arrived in Colorado about 8:45 in the morning.

We had a splendid time! We went to Estes Park, the kids visited the Denver Zoo. I connected with old friends from work and old friends from high school. I ate tons of wonderful Mexican food! We spent relaxing time with family. It was just what the doctor ordered.

I am home and I feel so good. I am ready to finish up this journey. I counted up and I have only 4 or 5 Herceptin treatments left. I am almost done.

A friend shared this wonderful song and video from Martina McBride about the cancer journey. Please click here to watch. Just make sure you have a tissue handy. I have said all the things that she says in the song. I couldn't have done it without God, family, and friends. I love you all!

Will post more later. I have a car to unpack and some settlin' in to do.

Done with Radiation

Done with that. Check that one off the list.

I had 26 to my chest wall and then 7 to my scar and my lack-a-breast area. My chest wall is healing nicely from my burns but my arm pit is nasty looking and kinda oozy. It stinks too. Smells like laundry that's been left in the wash after washing for too long. I do actually take a shower once in awhile so it can't be from that. It's from the burns. You'd think it would smell like burnt skin, wouldn't you? It was funny because I would smell this smell and wonder if it was someone around me. Imagine my surprise when I discovered it was myself! :) It will go away when the new skin appears.

Other than that, life has been good. We've been a bit stressed by my driving to radiation every day. My Suburban cost $115 to fill and I had to fill once a week. It could have been worse though. Could have had to drive farther like St Cloud or Rochester. God has always provided what we've needed and He's not going to stop now.

Hoping to head to Colorado tomorrow after Levi's football game. It will be such a nice break. They unhooked the chain and I'm outa here. :)

One. More. Radiation. Tomorrow.

The Whiny Hag is Gone...

Ok, I'm done whining and feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes I'm so ashamed of myself and how easily it is to get distracted. Eyes off myself and my circumstances and back on Him. Ahhh, so much nicer! I DO have so much to be thankful for. I feel God's presence with me and my family daily. He is my ever present help in troubled times. I am so grateful for His love and care!

 We are headed over to the north shore of Superior tomorrow to camp with the kids. We haven't done anything like that all year so it will be a nice little reprieve. Praying for good weather (we tent camp) and a fun time with the kids. We plan on seeing an old lighthouse, hiking, watching the big ships come into harbor and just enjoying each other's company.

Have a wonderful weekend. Celebrate life and love and the beauty that He's placed around us each day. It's a choice and so much better than whining or complaining! :)

Trust him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah 
Psalm 62:8

Happy, happy, joy, joy

I'm two thirds done with my radiation. I've had a bit of fatigue but it is smooth sailing compared to chemo fatigue. My right breast area is very itchy and I've scratched enough to open up the skin in places. I'm using some cortizone cream and I've been slathering the area with lotion. Hopefully, that will take care of it. Otherwise, the doctor said he would get me some cream that is used for severe burn victims. He did tell me it would probably get worse before we're done.

I go in for my herceptin treatment tomorrow. I will so glad to have that finished in December. It's been such a long journey... Today, I just want it all to be over with. I want my boobs back, my hair back, and a body that doesn't feel like it's 80 years old. I have been poked and prodded, stuck, pinched, and today they drew on me with a Sharpie. I'm sick of it all. Will I ever see "normal" again?

Cancer is stupid! Grrr, ya think I have a bad attitude today?

Radiation

Is it really mid August already? We have packed so much into our days... mostly outdoor stuff like the beach. We went tubing down the river last week with friends. We lazily drifted down the river for a few hours. It was a beautiful day!

I started radiation two Tuesdays ago. After the set up, it's been pretty simple.

I go in each day. I sit in the waiting room for about a minute before they call me back. I walk into the room and sign in and then I take off my shirt and necklace. I lay down on a table/board/hard thing that hurts my back. I turn my head to the left and up and I reach over my head with my arms to grab this handle. They align my tatoos with certain points.There are red lasers and and a round disk attached to an arm that rotates over my body and makes beeping noises. Looks like a small flying saucer. It's over in a few minutes and I am out the door until the next day. Then, I do it all over again.

Here's a picture of the new radiation machine that they put this year. This is the room I go to five days a week. I will be finished mid September after 31 treatments.

The doctor and nurses have been giving me heck about my tan. I'm suppose to be careful in my right breast area (or lack of breast area) with the sun. Darn, I guess I will stop going to the nude beach. I just refuse to stay out of the sun, though. Very little summer is left and I will enjoy every moment I can!

Dan and I enjoyed a day in Duluth and up the north shore while ALL 4 CHILDREN WERE AT CAMP. Yes, you read that right. The kids went to camp the same week. The little ones for 3 nights and Shelby for 5 nights. Anyway, we ate at a great restaurant and cruised along the shore of Lake Superior. We also enjoyed a bit of peace and quiet. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want it that way for very long but it was nice for a few days! :)

Otherwise, I have been enjoying life. We hope to take the kiddos camping in the next week or two for the weekend. We are looking forward to our new school year. We all are anticipating a time without "treatments and sickness". It's coming soon! Yay!

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4

Sweet Surprise

I was doing my grocery shopping on Saturday when I get a call and I didn't recognize the number but I answered it anyway. It was our local bike shop. The man asks me if my name is Colleen and I reply, "Yes". He tells me that they have a bike for me at the shop. I pause for a moment, searching for the right words, "Are you sure you have the right person? I didn't drop a bike off for repairs." He tell me that he has a bike for Colleen and this was the number given. I say thanks and that I will be over there right away. I'm curious and shaky with excitement as I make my way to the bike shop.

Let me go back by saying that I have been wanting a cruiser style bike so that I can work on getting my strength back after 7 months of chemo. I had talked to a friend about purchasing one from her and then it fell through because the bike had been given to someone else. I knew that somehow I would get a bike and thought I would look at some garage sales.


I walk into the bike shop and this bike is setting here in the show room with my name on it. The card said,
Colleen! Congratulations...the Lord has worked miracles in you! Enjoy the freedom! "Count it all joy my brothers..." James 1:2-4




Mine is not white but pink. Isn't it seriously cool? And isn't it even more cool that God provided exactly what I needed and even more than I could imagine!

The man who set the bike up for me said that his mom and grandmother had had breast cancer. He told me that doing surprises like this was his favorite part of the job.

Dan and I went for a spin last evening. It rides like a dream! I felt like a kid again and I got a great workout in the process.

So, if you see a bald chick on a pink cruiser, it's probably me. :) Honk and wave, k! Mmmm, on second thought, just wave.

A BIG thank you to my anonymous gift giver(s). Your love for Him and me is amazing!

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Loons calling

While Shelby was taking swim lessons the other day, several loons were calling to each other just past her. I caught it on video. I love Minnesota summers.

Hamster Shenanigans

If you read my post called Crazy Hamster Sex, you know that we were about to buy the girls some hamsters. We did that for their birthday. We were very specific about wanting two, girl hamsters so that we would not have a family of hamsters later. Well.....

Looks like those folks at the pet store have no idea how to tell a boy hamster from a girl hamster.

One evening as I was singing to the girls at bedtime, I looked at their hamsters and thought one of them looked like she was getting bigger, rounder. I googled "how to tell a hamster's sex" and then went back to the girl's room for an inspection. Dan and I held them up and, hmmmm, sure looks like we have a boy and a girl.

I'm guessing that as soon as we put those little hamsters in the cage together they immediately got married and then got down to business.

I asked Macy if she still wanted her boy hamster to be named Princess. She thought for awhile and decided Sam would be a better name.

So, we have separated the little rats. Not that it will do a lot of good now.

We are awaiting the impending birth with baited breath.

Quick Update

I'll give a quick update...I should be in bed right now but have felt guilty about not updating my blog.

I had my echo two weeks ago. "Unofficially," my heart is doing well. I haven't met with my oncologist yet but the tech said that everything looked good. He chided my for not staying on top of my treatment. I was suppose to have an echo every three months while on Herceptin and my last echo was in December. He said that it's really sad when someone beats cancer only to die of heart disease. Duly noted. I will stay on top of it from here on out.

This past week, I met my doctor in charge of my radiation therapy. We talked about my care and why it was necessary for me to have radiation when there was no cancer on my PET scan or in my breast tissue after my mastectomy. He said that chemo takes care of most of the cancer but there could still be some out there that radiation will finish off. He said that I should have minimal effects from the radiation. I'm so glad to hear that!

The following day, I went back and had a CAT scan to help map out my body for radiation. Then, I was given two small tattoos to mark the area that will be radiated. Darn, nothing cute like a butterfly or a flower. They just put a dab of ink on my skin and then jabbed it in with a needle. They are so small it's hard to differentiate them from a mole.

This week I am waiting to hear when I will start radiation. I will have it for 6 weeks, 5 days a week.

I had my Herceptin treatment also last week. It doesn't make me sick but I have had some aches from it. Couldn't figure out why my bones ached and then I looked up the side effects and it was listed there. I'll take it, though. So much better than barfing.

Other than that, I have taken the kids to the beach several times. It was hot here last week with high temps and high humidity. So instead of sitting around in the air conditioning, we played in the sand and floated in the water. It's so nice to do some summery things and feel pretty good while doing them!

Well, that was not quick. But now you all have been updated and my guilt is gone. :) Enjoy these dog days of summer and I'll try to post again sooner than later.

I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. Psalm 63:4

It's All Done!

I'm doing well. This last chemo seemed to be really hard. I guess I was just wanting to get it over... imagine that! :) I was sick and in bed for 3 or 4 days. I can't even describe how yucky I feel after the treatments and I have asked God to spare me that experience ever again. I can't go there and I have to visually place my life in God's capable hands and leave it there. It's something I do daily, sometimes many times daily.

My mom was here for two weeks to help while I had chemo. The words "thank you" seem grossly inadequate when I think about our family and how they have been here during this past 7 months. You are awesome and I love each of you dearly!

We received our last meal from our church family and friends tonight. These people have fed us anywhere from 2-4 times a week for the past seven months. My friend, Lisa Drake coordinated the effort to make sure that we had these meals when we needed them most. What a God sent is was to not have to worry about food while there was so much more on our minds.

I just get so emotional when I think about how much everyone has done for us. When you gave money, food, and gifts you were being the hands and feet of Jesus to us. We have been profoundly changed by your generosity.

So, what are the next steps? One chemo drug in particular can damage the heart so I have a echo cardiogram next week to check it out. The following week on July 21, I have an appointment with my radiologist. After that appointment, we will have a clearer picture of what is to happen.

I will continue receiving Herceptin treatments every three weeks until December. After that, I can have my port taken out and then I will have reconstruction surgery sometime next spring.

It feels so good to be this far in my journey. Cancer is a real bummer to say the least but I don't want to miss all the things cancer can/has taught me. When I feel myself getting frustrated over something inconsequential, I remind myself that it really "ain't a big deal". Life is too short to sweat the small stuff. If I can bring glory to God each day that he has me here on this earth, then that's good enough for me.

Click here to read what, John Piper, author and pastor, has to say about what cancer can teach us. Amen, John Piper.


In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

16th Round Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big day. My LAST chemo. I've been waiting for this day for more than six months. It seems like it's been forever in coming.

I'm afraid to be sick again. I don't want to go through this pain, again. But I'm so hopeful. Hopeful and thankful. I know others who have it so much worse than me. I've been blessed countless ways on this journey.

So, I will get through this one, last time and then I will get on with my life.

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior: my God will hear me. Micah 7:7

Crazy Hamster Sex

I was chatting with the little ones yesterday and we were talking about our plans to add a few animals to our household as pets. Levi is looking to get a couple of goldfish and Shelby wants to get a hermit crab to replace her fish that tragically died a few days ago.

Kylie and Macy want hamsters. Kylie wants a boy hamster and Macy wants a girl hamster. I told them that we could not have a boy and girl hamster in the same cage. I asked the kids if they knew why we couldn't put a boy and a girl hamster in the same cage. Levi chimed in immediately and said, "It's cuz they will have lots of sex!" Macy stood next to him nodding her head in affirmation, "Yes, they will get married and have lots of sex!"

Yes, there's that and then all those babies that follow all that sex! :) I didn't laugh out loud because I didn't want to embarrass them. So, I'll blog about it and they can be embarrassed later.

I love these kinds of conversations. They make me smile.

Sorry...

It's taken so long for me to update My sister and crew left last Saturday. They came to help while I had my chemo. The kids had a blast while they were here as they took them bowling and to play miniature golf. They stayed up way too late and ate too much sugar but isn't that what aunts are for? :)

I DID attend Shelby's game on Tuesday and Kylie and Levi's baseball game on Wednesday night. It was a bit of a struggle for me but was well worth it for my kiddos. I spent several days in bed this time but started to come around Saturday. By Monday, I was feeling pretty close to normal.

I can't even express the joy I feel when I think about being done with chemotherapy. I started chemo on December 10, 2010 - more than six months ago. I had a little time off for surgery and recovery but, otherwise, I've been at it for a very long time. My sixteenth and final chemo will be on Tuesday, June 28. To have this leg of the journey completed will be wonderful! I'm thinking I need to have and "End of Chemo" party. Oh, yeah, I think so.

I understand that I will have a few weeks off to recover from chemo before I start my radiation. I do not know what all is involved with radiation or how many treatments I will have. I do know I will have radiation 5 days a week for a specified amount of time. I should have an appointment with my radiologist within a few weeks and will have more information then.

This Saturday, I will be walking a 5K for Susan G Komen Race for the Cure. My mother and husband will walk with me. If you are interested in donating money to help find a cure for breast cancer, Follow This Link to visit my personal web page and help me in my efforts to support Minnesota Affiliate of Susan G. Komen for the Cure.

I am having a fabulous week, enjoying not being sick. I've planted a garden and flowers. It just feels good to be "normal". I feel grateful for so many things. God is good all the time. Thanks again for your love and support.

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High, will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. Psalm 91:1

Prayer Request

I have had a GREAT week. I have felt good. We've started our summer schedule of ball games and practice four nights a week. It's been enjoyable to sit outside and watch the kids!

Tomorrow is my 3rd round of chemo. Wow, 3/4 of the way done when this one is finished! I wanted to ask you to pray for me. Shelby has her first softball game tomorrow night. She is in fast pitch softball and is a pitcher. I really don't want to miss her game.

Please pray that I am able to go tomorrow night to see her play. Historically, after chemo I am pretty sick and nauseous. I am asking that God would help me to feel OK tomorrow night so that I can see this game. Won't you pray with me?

I will post later this week to update you. Thanks!

I'm Alive, I'm Alive, I'm Alive

Just wanted to post and let you know that I am doing well! Last Sunday, I felt pretty rough still but Dan took me out to breakfast and we ate out on the deck by the water at a local restaurant. It felt so good to get outside and for some reason it made me feel alive again. Someone surprised us and paid for our meal anonymously. What a treat.

By Monday, I was doing most of my normal routine. So, I actually was feeling better this go around sooner. What a blessing. I can't help but think it's because of your prayers for me. You don't know how much I appreciate them!

I haven't gotten in the dirt yet. I've planted a few pots here and there. I picked out a spot for the garden that I think will get good afternoon sun. Dan will turn over the soil for me this week and then we'll be able to get plants in the ground.

It's been cool and rainy here and we had a big storm last night that blew down three of our trees. In Colorado, tree roots have to go way down into the ground to find water. The trees out there can withstand high winds. Here, it seems like the trees blow over so easy because all the roots are on the surface. They don't have to search far for water. Hmmm, I think there is a life lesson in there somewhere.

Just wanted you to know that I'm alive and well. Dreading the next treatment but excited that I have only two left. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken. Psalm 34:19-20

Second Round Down

Had my second round of chemo today. Tried a few different things to help with nausea but it doesn't seem to be working so far. I sit here in my bed with my puke bowl beside me. It would help if it didn't take an act of God for me to throw up. I've always been very resistant to throwing up and I think that is bad sometimes. I think relief would come for a bit if I could just get the job done.

I have new medicine for the nausea and took it this afternoon on the way home. unfortunately, one of the side effects is a terrible headache which I now have along with the sick stomach. I'm sure they are trying to kill me. :)

I will be half way done when I get through with this round. Can I do two more? I just don't want to think about it now but I can't help but think about it.

I'm sorry that my posts are not light and fun lately. I need to be real here, though, and that includes the good and the bad, the ups and the downs. Writing helps me process what is going on.

I don't know that I've ever done anything this difficult in my life. Maybe the pregnancy with the triplets comes close. I was so sick during that time, also. I see many similarities between these two times in my life.

I loved this quote that I came across from Mother Teresa. She said, "I know God won't give my anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."

I do know that God has showered me with blessings that have come because of this horrid disease. Just recently, I have received from others awesome meals brought to our door, housecleaning every Friday by different ladies in our church, money from friends at MOPS and Tuesday morning bible study to go shopping for clothes for myself, a check in the mail from a cousin and someone from church, a cute outfit for me to wear from my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, a meal out with a friend, a picnic where we didn't have to bring anything, and the list goes on and on.

It's like God is telling me that he knows what I am going through is hard and then showering me with love from others. I do feel loved. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I need to go now. As always, please keep me in your prayers. I can only do this through Christ who gives me strength.

Good night, sleep tight

When it's night time around here, we have a definite routine we go through. The kids don't let us forget it either. Dan prays with the kids. I sing to them. Two songs. Not sure how I selected these songs but I've been singing the same two songs since Shelby was tiny and I was still rocking her to sleep. I sing Blue Christmas (all year round), and You Are My Sunshine.

What nightly routines do you have with your kids?

Some pics

The girls at the last AWANA evening.

My awesome nurses!

Dusteen with my icky medicine - I told her she needed to look mean with these huge syringes. She didn't pull it off. :)




My sister came on Thursday from Colorado. My kids and her at the Mall of America. We had a great day!

What's Up With Colleen

It was a very rough eight days following my chemo treatment but I'm up, around, and feeling pretty good. I was told to expect a week of "bad" followed by a week of "so-so" and then a few days of good right before treatment again. Fortunately, the week of "so-so" has been pretty good.

Since I was on steroids that I took over a five day period I experienced some severe depression. Like I shared before, I have problems with steroids. It feels like I was in a deep, dark hole that swallowed me up for those 8 days. I can't seem to control the thoughts of helplessness and the feeling that I can't get through this. After I stop taking the steroids, my mind seems to return to normal and I process everything like usual. I really hate this part of chemo.

I went in today to have labs worked up. My white cell count has plummeted. She said I wasn't quarantined to the house and I'm so glad for that. I will just have to be very careful to avoid anyone with an infection or sickness. Lots of hand washing for all of us.

Spring is coming to the north slowly this year. We have had gray days and some rain but the grass is a nice shade of green and the trees have finally popped with buds. I am ready for the warm weather and sunshine.

I'm ready to get my fingers in the dirt and to plant some flowers and vegetables. Dan and I had made two raised beds for vegetables last year... and then we moved. We have more trees and shade here so I'm not sure where to plant. I just know I want a garden again. Isn't it the best when you eat something you raised?

Please pray for me this coming week as I have another chemo treatment on Tuesday, May 17. I so covet your prayers and I know that I can get through this with God's help. Pray that myself and my family would have a supernatural "bubble" around us protecting us from anything infectious. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

When I said, "My foot is slipping." your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:18-19

Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth: give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me: you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. Psalm 86:11-13

A horse of a Different Color

So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 The Message

This chemo treatment is different from the get go. I went today at 10 and was done at 3 this afternoon. I had four chemo drugs, one drug for nausea, and one steroid dose. One of the drugs has to be administered very carefully and makes me grateful for my port. It's red in color and turns your urine red. If spilled on skin it eats right through it. My nurse sat by me with 3 huge syringes of this stuff and she pushed it into my veins over 15 minutes. They like to administer it this way to watch for any problems.

Everyone has a horror story related to these drugs. A lady who was getting chemo with me today has had two doses and has been in the hospital twice, once after each dose. White blood cell counts plummet and infection easily sets in. In the course of saving lives they practically kill you.

I felt OK walking out and riding home but after reaching my house I started feeling nauseous and sick. Once again, words fail me in describing how I feel with this crap coursing through my system.

Please pray that my white blood cell counts stay good and that I can avoid infections/colds/sickness. Pray that my nausea can be controlled. Above all, pray that my attitude and actions glorify Jesus.

Because this sucks and I want to cry...

He is Risen!

An awesome song to celebrate Jesus and what He's done for us!


Hillsong - At the Cross



Happy Easter. Have a blessed day.

Ordinary

I'm doing "normal" today and it feels so good! It's rainy and cool outside, a great day to get stuff done inside.

I just pulled the last batch of sugar cookies out of the oven and they are cooling on the wire rack. I cleaned out a closet this morning, helped Levi sort through his clothes for items that he's grown out of, helped the girl's with some math, cleaned my bathroom and bedroom.

Don't ever take ordinary for granted. Sickness brings so much into sharp focus. Clarity comes with cancer.

These days are precious. Our little ones grow way too quickly and then the house is empty and quiet. One day your healthy, the next not. Trace Adkins sings a great song called Your Gonna Miss This. Click here to see the video of his song.

Hope you're enjoying some ordinary today.

Comments

Just wanted to let you know that I've changed my blog to accept comments from anyone. You don't have to have a google account now to leave me a message. You won't see your comment right away as I've set it up so I can moderate them before they are posted to the blog.

Hope that makes it easier for you.

Upcoming Stuff

I now know what the plan is for the next few months of my life after meeting with my oncologist last Wednesday. I will begin chemo again on the Tuesday, the 26th of April...right after Easter. I will have four chemo treatments, one every 3 weeks for a total of twelve weeks. I will have 3-4 weeks off and then I will begin radiation.

My medication has been changed. I will not be taking Adriamycin, also known as the red devil. My doctor is following protocol from MD Anderson in Houston which is the premier place to get treatment for Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I will be on four chemo drugs, Cyclophosphamide, Fluorouracil, Epirubicin and Herceptin. Wow, who names these things?

My doctor explained to me that we needed to continue treatment and follow the plan even though no cancer was found in my breast tissue or lymph nodes. He said that we have one shot with this cancer and we need to give it everything we've got. He explained that if it comes back a second time, it's incurable.

A friend of mine who was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer in September of 2010 is now in the end stages of her life. She was a stage 4 when diagnosed and it had already spread to liver and bones. She will finally get to meet Jesus and be free from this dreadful cancer so I am rejoicing with her but my heart hurts for her family and what they will go through when she is gone.

Another friend asked me how I was doing with this news. I think it's just a reminder that our life here is short... each day a precious gift from the Giver of Life. I don't want to take anything for granted. And...this life isn't all it's about, just a sliver in the expanse of eternity. I am still trusting God that he has numbered my days here on earth aright. Today I choose to trust and not worry.

So, I have one week of freedom until treatment begins again. I have a bit of dread building up in the pit of my stomach. I'm not a chemo newbie anymore. The doses are stronger than my last round of chemo. But only four more doses, right? I know that God will give me the strength to get through this.

Since this has been a somewhat somber post, I thought I would add a little humor here at the end. I have received so many wonderful cards from people all over this country. Did you know that there is a line of cards for people going through cancer? Here's a few funny cards I received from friends and family.

If people ask why you are wearing a scarf on your head and you say it's because you're a pirate... They'll have no follow-up question.
My mostly bald brother-in-law signed it by saying, "Besides, what's wrong with being bald?".

Another great card I received said,

Pretty soon the only sick thing about you will be your thoughts. Like Usual.
Hmmmm, apparently, they know me too well!

I received this card from two different people.

Advantages of Losing your Hair:
Eliminates bed head.
Can be a shining example to others.
No need for expensive hair products.
Takes off years, because you look more like your baby photo.
Gray hair? What gray hair?
And the number one advantage of losing your hair...
more places to be kissed.

Step boldly. Leap high. Soar freely. Kick butt.

And the last funny one...

A mad bunny on the front with a conversation balloon that says,
"Go -------- yourself, you --------- --------. The inside says, When the going gets tough, the tough somtimes swear a lot.

Have a blessed day!

I Have Good News

Monday, I finally remembered to check my home phone for messages. It's just one of those annoying must haves because of our internet. I forget it's there and then I finally remember and check my messages.

Anyway, social security had called about my disability application on Friday. I called them back on Monday but my counselor wasn't in that day. I was wondering what more they wanted. My dad had just helped me fill out a multi-page questionaire right after I came home from the hospital that asked all kinds of questions and took and hour and 1/2 to complete. I was on pain meds and thankful my dad was there to write and make sense of my ramblings.

So, I was thinking they were going to want some of my blood or urine or maybe, my first born child next. :) Chris, my counselor called Tuesday morning and cut right to the chase. He told me that my disability had been approved! I will get my first check in June and I will receive it for one year. I will be getting more money than when I was working. This will allow me the time to get through the rest of my treatments and then my reconstruction next spring. My family spent the rest of day sending thanks up to heaven!

I think both of us were a bit depressed just wondering how we were going to pay our monthly bills and provide the necessities for 4 growing children. I lost my job, our dryer went on the fritz, our two vehicles each with 200,000 + miles need serious work, Dan's c-pap that he uses to sleep at night died and the replacement was $1200, and then there's the cancer... and list goes on.

Both Dan and I had been struggling with this issue. We know that God provides. He's proven that to us many, many times. The Bible says that God's power is made perfect in our weakness. We were feeling pretty weak. I guess we were right where He wants us. Not trying to make things happen ourselves just relying on Him. Sure is hard to do sometimes, isn't it? I must be a slow learner. :) Just when I think I have this down, I take on the yoke of worry again. I read about the Israelites in the Old Testament and I think to myself, "Those are some seriously dumb people. Can't they see that God has provided for them time and time again?" Aaah, and then I'm exhibit A.

Here is another thing to add to the list of all the things that God has done for us!

Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Luke 12:22-31

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10