The Struggle For Today

One by one, my children tiptoe into my room and pile into my big bed in the soft, gray morning light. We pull the warm, down cover up to our chins and giggle. Shelby tells a story that she's made up to the other three. Boots jumps up on the bed and walks around the bed looking like a regal prince. We bask in the quiet, together time.

I'm glad the children have come in this morning. My head is filled with thoughts of my own mortality. I have had a gruesome dream while I sleep and maybe that has set my thoughts in this direction.

My body aches terribly with each waking. My ribs have been hurting and my doctor assures me that it's just the Herceptin speaking in my body. My mind goes with it and I think of stage 4 cancer and it running rampant through my body. I see my funeral and my beloved man. He and and I are no longer two halves but one whole. To take one away is unthinkable. I feel my children's pain. I think about them living without a mother's direction. I think about all the milestones in their lives that I will miss and I am overcome with emotions and I weep.

Then, God's word penetrates the fog of despair that has settled in my mind. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says that "we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I know that I must get control of my thoughts. Proverbs 16:9 tells me that, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the lord determines his steps".  Be strong and courageous. God's word tells me, "Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the lord your God will be with you wherever you go". Joshua 1:9

I will work the rest of the day getting my thoughts in order. I need to spend quiet time in His word and tell Him of my fears. I know I can trust my Father. His plan for my life, whatever that is, is good enough for me.

***Update***
In my Bible reading today I came across some powerful verses and had a devotional that spoke directly to me. I know that choosing to think thoughts of life, thankfulness and praise is what He wants from me. I choose today to live by faith.


A happy heart is good medicine and a cheerful mind works healing, but a broken spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22


The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 6:8


Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. Psalms 63:3-5


We live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7