It's 4 in the Morning

It's 4 in the morning and I'm WIDE awake. I've been on steroids for ten days now. They are suppose to help with my bronchitis/ pneumonia crud. So far, they have screwed with my sleep big time. Last night, I felt close to exhaustion- the way I felt many months ago. So I went to bed at a decent time and went right to sleep only to wake up now and be fully awake!

Yesterday was my last day taking the steroids so hopfully my sleep will return soon.

 I went in for my 3 month check up on Friday. I have yet to hear the words from my oncologist, "Colleen, you are cancer free or NED (no evidence of disease)". I would say my oncologist is "cautiously optomistic" with me. I just want to hear him say that I've beaten this thing and I can be on my way. I'll take it three months at a time, I guess.

I could ask myself why it's important for me to hear those words from him. I believe God has healed me and that should be good enough, right?

 My liver enzymes were a little elevated but he said that could be from this viral crud I've had for a month now. I have to go back in in 2 weeks for another blood test to see if the levels have returned to normal.

 So this is the way the year after battling cancer will go. In once a month to have my port flushed. In every three months to see the oncologist and have blood work done.

When I'm back there and see all those people getting their chemo I'm filled with lots of emotions. I want to get in and out of there as quick as possible. I don't want to remember how painfully hard it has been.

I just want to look forward.

I had cancer but it does not define me.