You wouldn't know how many times I have started a post and just not finished it. Do I have blogger's block? I just can't seem to complete a thought. I think the last time I posted something was the middle of October. So much as happened since then.
Toward the end of October I noticed a lump in my breast - not a small pea size but a whole area that seemed to be hard. I told Dan and he encouraged me to make an appointment with the doctor. I was able to see one that same day. I was given two mamograms and an ultrasound. Nothing of concern appeared in those images. They told me to come back in six months to have it rechecked. After a few days, the hardened area seemed to grow and it became quite painful.
I decided to visit the doctor again. I was given another ultra sound with no conclusion. I was told that I either had a breast infection or inflammatory breast cancer. Doc thought that I had an breast infection so I was prescribed a strong antibiotic. After being on the antibiotic 7 of the 10 days I went back to the doctor because I didn't think there was any change. We talked about it and decided that a biopsy was our next step. The day before Thanksgiving, I went in for my breast biopsy.
I am still waiting for my results. Monday was the day I was suppose to get the results, then Tuesday. Now, tomorrow is suppose to be the day. Yes, it's been stressful. I can't say that I haven't gone through every scenario in my mind and what that will bring to me and my family. I can't say that I haven't felt the cold hand of fear gripping my neck. I can't way that I haven't wondered why.
I CAN say that all of those feelings have been replaced by a surreal sense of peace. When I received the first call yesterday saying that I wouldn't hear Monday but Tuesday and then when I received the second call telling me that I wouldn't hear Tuesday but Wednesday, I felt a bit of frustration but I didn't dwell on it. I had the most awesome time of prayer and time in God's word. The peace really settled in after that. I know that there are people all over this country praying for me. I have had over 100 text messages and numerous calls from friends and family over the past few days. I have felt this incredible love.
It wasn't a mind over matter thing. There is a God and he gives this kind of peace. John 16:33 tells us, "“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” 2 Thessalonians 3:16 says this, "Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.
Let me just say this, I am thankful and feel so blessed no matter what the outcome is tomorrow. I can't believe God has given me an incredible husband whom I love more and more each day. I still am in awe of the four, beautiful children He has allowed me to mother. I can't believe that I live in a country as awesome as the United State of America - as flawed as she may seem at times. I know that God loves me. I know that God is good, all the time. I know that whatever comes tomorrow, God will be with me and he will give me strength.
I will post again when I receive news. Until then, peace to you!
1 comment:
Hi Colleen,
We didn't know each other that well, you left work at Larimer County soon after I was hired - but I heard a lot about you through Leigh Ann. I left the County 3 years ago and moved back to Salt Lake. I heard about your battle and I just had to say "hi" and let you know I am thinking of you. I am truly amazed by your positive attitude and strong will to battle this wicked disease. I know so many people whom I love who are battling cancer. It is so hard for me to understand. I am sorry you have been hit by it. Your blog captures the true essense of your battle, showing major strength among minor fears. Keep up the battle, and rely on God, as you are. Only he knows the big picture for us all. I pray for you and just wanted you to know that!
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